i'm starting to feel like the universe is calling me to wednesday. for some reason, i feel compelled to write my entries on wednesdays. anyways, i am currently sitting in a beautifully dim room and ready to work on my last, final paper. i have to revise it, only, and then it will be good to go and i will be ready to submit it. i hope it doesn't take that long, because i sometimes mull over my writing far more than i should and i feel very critical of it. i should be proud of producing a fully authentic piece of writing in a college culture saturated with *trigger warning* chatgpt warriors that is still, probably, objectively quite well written, but i just can't help it!!!!! it's really hard to feel confident when the result (the grade) is so much more important. truthfully, my professors and the ones grading my work have been quite graceful so i shouldn't feel that worried, but i can't help but get rid of the idea that something i'm saying is wrong or poorly articulated or whatever and that it will somehow result in much lower marks than i desire. in reality, i know that i can't score below a b- on any of these papers, because they are not THAT bad, but striving for greatness is the motivation of the work i do and, at the same time, the detriment of my own power. even if i do bad, the people in my life will still love me. even if i do bad, everything will be okay.
or at least that's what i find myself needing to convince myself of. regardless, i just had a really pleasant time chatting with one of my friends who was abroad in the winter. i came to the dim room i am in (the cafe that she works at (also like, girl get some friends who aren't baristas lol sorry (i'm talking about me, not her))) for coffee since the shop that i work at is closed because of finals week and, perhaps by luck or by some fate, she was working. it was so delightful to see her after not seeing her for about three months, and we chatted about everything we had the breath left for while she worked and we shared a morning beverage in matching ghost mugs, her a matcha, and me a vanilla/cinnamon cappucino. i planned to get to work as soon as i got my coffee, but it was nice to delay this pressure a bit and just relax in good company. i feel better prepared to write this paper, less in my head, now that i slowed down my morning.
and the weather outside is so beautiful! it's gloomy, rainy, thundery, lightningey, and it's all just so beautiful and magical. this kind of weather is my favorite, and when you can open the window and let in a breeze or take a walk through the fog and breathe in the fresh air, it feels like such a gift. i feel like this weather is perfect for the time, perfect to sit back with a warm drink and look out the window as i write my finals. this is what i plan to do today as i write my paper. and i know it's going to be great. and everything will be okay!
i've also had a lot of really positive interactions lately (re: the connections and life that i have made in college (see my last blog entry)). i have been feeling like my life is very coming-of-age lately, and my friendships have made me feel really safe in ways that i haven't felt for quite a while. it feels like finally waking up after a long slumber and feeling the breeze dance in through soft rays of sunlight. things are really scary right now, locally, globally, and personally, but it's nice to find home in people and to continue to recognize this feeling beyond just a moment. i've wanted to write some blog entries for the past couple of days to document these experiences, but things have just felt so busy and so large that i haven't had the gusto. maybe i'll have more to say sometime soon, but until then, thank you for reading up to this point! ^_^