(tldr: negative feelings, positive feelings, awful day ensues following a really amazing day. life's stupid, insistent balance)
i've sort of been in a really weird place lately. it feels like i am super anxious all the time and always worried about something, and the way that this manifests itself just feels really debilitating. these feelings got really intense like a week ago, so much so that i needed to take a break during the week and go home on a tuesday, which i haven't done since last fall when my parents were in mexico and needed someone to babysit our dog. i drove back to school wednesday morning, and then drove back home again thursday, and again saturday night and stood for longer than i should have today (sunday). i'm also sort of torn between feeling three things about this feeling itself: (1) i got my period and these feelings are somewhat reflective of that, (2) i am so in touch with the universe that my energy gets fucked up when something bad is about to happen, or (3) i need to be medicated. maybe all three are true? what sucks the most about this is that i am extremely high functioning and i tend to be really busy, so all of these things are happening and building and getting really intense and i have no catharsis, no means of relief. it never ends. and then when something actually happens to warrant the aforementioned-number-(2)-option i.e. the bad thing happens and i feel myself slipping into old habits and i am on the kitchen floor eating a slice of pizza and crying, i remember that i have to write a stupid fucking weekly email for my job (which i love) (which i have no choice but to do) (which i love to do because i love the job) (which i have to constantly perform for) (which i must be perfect at) (etc. you get what i am saying) and i am suddenly brought back to my high-functioning, default state. i've stopped crying for the first time in a few hours which means that the window for grieving has closed and everything will have to be okay as it is. when maybe it's not!
now the upper of all of this is that i had a really beautiful day yesterday. i spent the entire day with some friends who are very near and dear to me, and i was able to show them around my home. it felt really strange having my college friends in places where i've sort of frequented for a majority of my life, and have especially done so with home friends. there was something so complete about having them in these places, about showing them the things that have shaped me during parts of my life that we didn't even know each other existed during. parts of it were to picture-esque that i would have done anything to just have it last a little bit longer. and it all made me feel really grateful for the life that i have and have formed for myself in college. we finished the night with a group of us from work at a sushi/ramen restaurant, dressed up in formal-wear. just before the actual dinner, another friend and i hung out in my living room and attempted to play a soccer game and fortnite on my xbox. that didn't work, so we played pacman instead. it's all so silly and the whole scene felt like such an awkward college student thing to do, but it was beautiful. my salt lamp was on, incense lit, dimmed big light -- all this to say, the lighting was beautiful. people started trickling in to hangout before the dinner, and i drank some shockingly really yummy wine. my cheeks and my heart felt very warm; compounding factor on compounding factor, the day was a complete 10 out of 10 for me.