i feel kind of strange lately. i feel in a good mood, my body feels okay, my mind generally free. but i am still like... maybe it feels like i am caught in a liminality? things have been kind of weird lately, and all sort of quick and difficult and frustrating. i feel like i internalize things to such an extent that i am only hurting myself by letting them impact me when actually maybe they aren't that big of a deal. for example, and maybe this is entirely reasonable and i am clouded by my own evils, but i have been doing a lot around my house and being very present for my family (especially so in the last couple of months) and i took my mom to a doctor's appointment on a weekday in which i had class and work and etc. etc. (it turned out to be a positive visit, to which i was expecting otherwise, so i thankfully feel a bit eased there) and i spent the weekend at home and the one thing that i wanted to do, we didn't do. i was driving (as opposed to my mom driving, because she was dizzy, didn't feel good, and i offered) home from my grandma's house and passing by this really really cool music store i wanted to stop in at, and we just kept going past it because she didn't want to stop and i just wanted to cry. and things of this nature just sort of happen and i am left wondering why i can't just have something that i want for once, since i don't ask for much at all. but whatever, it kind of makes me feel like a kid again. but i cleaned my room at home, finally! something to be proud of because i was sleeping on the floor every week lols. also, i am rewatching nana and it always sort of makes me feel strange and slightly devastated. last time i watched it, i had to stop right before (spoiler alert) nana and nobuo break up. but it means so much to me i can't look away. and it keeps coming up on my pinterest feed and i keep hearing songs on my spotify recommended and i'm like. ok. i am sometimes very consumed by the things i intend to have healthy relationships with and it always weighs on my chest more than on my mind i think. also certain relationships in my life are scaring me. idk what to do all the time. but for now i will write my midterm. thanks.